Why Comparing Kids Can Hurt — and How to Honor Each Child’s Individuality

What happens when kids begin to define themselves by comparison? This post shares why comparing kids can hurt—and how honoring individuality supports healthy confidence and belonging.

I’ve been a writer for as long as I can remember, but I only entered my “children’s book era” recently. I began writing my first children’s book, The Only Me, in the fall of 2021. While I was still learning the ropes (thanks to an incredible group of mentors along the way), the idea for the story came from an article I pitched and wrote for Lucie’s List—a trusted resource for expectant and new parents—where I proudly served as the Twins Editor and a mental health writer for several years.

As a parent of fraternal twins, I quickly noticed something many families experience: comparing kids, often without realizing it. Though my twins are exceptionally different, well-meaning people—and sometimes even us, their parents—frequently commented on their differences. Over time, I began hearing my girls compare themselves.

“I’m not good at soccer like my sister.”
“She’s the artist, not me.”
“I’m the cute one, and she’s the athletic one.”

Ugh.

Those comments hit me hard. The last thing I wanted was for my children to define who they are by comparing kids within their own family—or to measure their identity and self-worth against a sibling’s interests, skills, or personality.

That realization led me to a bigger question: if comparing kids was affecting my fraternal twins, how much harder might it be for identical twins? As I researched further, I learned this issue extends far beyond twins. Comparing kids happens in all families. It’s human nature to notice differences between siblings—who’s neater, louder, more athletic, or more easygoing—but over time, constant comparison can quietly erode a child’s sense of self.

Here’s the surprising part: research by behavioral geneticist Dr. Robert Plomin shows that siblings, despite shared genes and environments, are often no more alike than complete strangers.

That insight shifted my focus. Rather than writing an article only about twins, I broadened it to explain why comparing kids can be harmful for all siblings—and why treating children as individuals is essential for building confidence, self-worth, and identity.

After finishing the article, I had a thought: this might make a good children’s book.

And that’s how The Only Me was born.

While the main characters are twins (modeled after my own), I also included non-twin siblings with different personalities and interests. Through Stella’s journey, children see that it’s okay to enjoy different things from siblings, friends, or teammates—and that differences don’t diminish belonging. They strengthen it.

Helpful Tips for Parents

Even well-meaning comparisons between siblings or peers can shape how children see themselves—and whether they feel truly valued.

Understanding why comparing kids can be harmful is one thing; changing daily habits is another. Below are a few practical strategies adapted from the original article.

Tips for Parents of Different-Aged Siblings

• Don’t compare them.

• Praise each child individually.

• Enjoy shared family time without competition.

• Respect each child’s unique needs.

• Honor differences instead of minimizing them.

• Remind each child what makes them special.

• Spend intentional one-on-one time with each child.

Tips for Parents of Twins

• Celebrate birthdays individually—even separate cakes.

• Regularly highlight each child’s unique strengths and interests.

• Let children choose their own clothes; matching should be optional.

• If possible, allow separate spaces that they can personalize.

• Support individual interests, even when it’s less convenient.

• Choose gifts based on personality, not sameness.

• Consider classroom separation if it best supports each child.

• Don’t compare them.

• Praise and celebrate what makes each child uniquely themselves.

I hope you enjoyed learning the backstory behind The Only Me. If you have a child who could benefit from knowing it’s okay to be different—from a sibling, friend, or classmate—I hope reading The Only Me and its follow-up, Stella’s Brave Voice, feels supportive and affirming for your family.

Most of all, I hope this offered practical ways to move away from comparing kids and toward raising children who feel seen, valued, and confident in who they are.

If you have additional ideas, I’d love for you to share them in the comments. Parenting is a collaborative journey—and none of us are meant to do it alone.