The notion of twins and a toddler, and all that preparing for this endeavor entails, is starting (or rather, continuing) to feel really overwhelming. I am sure it doesn’t help that I have pregnancy hormones surging through my body, and my already emotional self is now emotional times three thousand (poor hubby). There are so many things about twin pregnancy, and caring for twin newborns, that is so different from what it was like carrying and raising a singleton. I have been informed of this by several twin moms and many Amazon book reviews about Twins (because let’s be honest, I don’t have the mental or physical energy to actually pick up a book and read it).
But the problem is that I don’t know how and when I will actually have the time or mental energy to prepare for these babies–gain the knowledge, buy and borrow the “stuff” (so, so much stuff), fix up the nursery, etc.–because in addition to being pregnant with twins, I am also raising a very vivacious, energetic, amazing yet sometimes challenging, almost 3-year-old. And that? Has me all-consumed.
As I’ve discussed before, I’m a good multitasker, but really, I handle things best one at a time. So really, right now, all I can seem to focus on is what my daughter is going through. Sleep issues (which are definitely getting better), upcoming potty training (this REALLY needs to happen before twins arrive!), and the impending nanny change that is happening at the end of October. To me, this feels like a full-time job. Working through what’s SHE’S going through with her, and prepping her for some big physical and emotional changes in her near future.
I’m also starting to worry a bit about the fact that with a twin pregnancy, life has to REALLY slow down around 24 weeks. This is much earlier than with a singleton pregnancy. So whether I’m placed on bed rest or not, the rest part of the equation is really important much sooner. This means that I probably SHOULD get much of this physical twin prep (i.e. getting all the said “stuff”, going through the bins upon bins of clothes and baby gear in our basement, and finishing the nursery) much sooner than I did during my last pregnancy. Like, maybe by December? For some reason this all feels daunting to me–like too much right now to take on. I think likely because of feeling so fatigued due to, you know, a twin pregnancy, and also parenting the almost 3-year-old who truly just started sleeping after almost 2 months of, well, not sleeping. And October and November are busy. Like SO BUSY. With birthdays and holidays and vacations and events and one nanny leaving and a new nanny starting and….oh my gosh. Must. Stop. Too much to think about at once!
Due to the overwhelm, I have decided to focus on being a parent, having a healthy pregnancy, and taking care of myself, as opposed to building a business right now. This choice has taken me a LONG time (and a lot of angst) to come to. This means that the practice I worked hard this summer to start will be put on hold. Because I simply can’t focus my energy on building and running a business and taking on clients right now. I also don’t know how much time I’ll have to give them, and while I could be upfront that this would be short-term therapy or else I would have to refer them once on bed-rest or in labor, I just don’t feel that that is right for clients. I would not want to see a therapist who was only half-in, and didn’t know how long she would be able to see me for. I’d want to start seeing someone with whom I could truly build a relationship, and trust would be there for me.
This has been tough for me. In many ways, I feel a little bit of failure and embarrassment with this decision. But unlike my last pregnancy and postpartum period, I know this time that I need to take care of myself, my family, and the babies growing inside my belly. So that means focusing on self and family-care, spending time with Harper one-on-one while I still can (because I am mourning the fact we will never have this time again), helping her through these big, upcoming transitions, and also preparing as much as I can for the arrival of our babies. In the meantime, I also plan to write again. Writing is something that means so much to me, and has truly always been my number one passion and lifeline. I want to get back to this–writing personally, like this blog, but also professionally. Perhaps there will be a way to merge my therapy with my writing one day, or to write about my perinatal experiences in an effort to help other expecting and postpartum mothers. We will see. I am also continuing my freelance editing work, and am currently editing a book for a favorite professor and mentor from graduate school. This experience has been such an honor for me, and we are so close to the finish-line!
Life feels overwhelming and chaotic right now. Unpredictable too. But as I write all this, I take several breaths–deep, belly breaths–and feel better. I am not sure how we will do it all, but we just will. As Robb said to me earlier, we will get things done out of necessity, which in a way, we already have. We have moved Harper to her big girl bed and room already, and we even bought me a new car (yeah, it’s a van…don’t judge). Things will happen. We will FLOW. Life will continue to move forward, and we will move with it, getting what we can done, and leaving the rest (my type-A self will eventually figure out how to do this…). In the meantime, yoga. Lots and lots of yoga. Oh, and candy corn. And Netflix. And ice-cream.